I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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