not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
