Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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