If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
