Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
