she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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