it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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