Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
