My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
