dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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