I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
