I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
