what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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