Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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