Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
