I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
