i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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