So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
