i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
