WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think my moral compass just broke
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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