I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
