im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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