I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
