wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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