6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
