I am spending my child support on dildos
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
