i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
