How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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