Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
