just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
