I hate your face
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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