Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
