You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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