no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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