nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
