Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
