I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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