maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
