This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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