You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
