I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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