his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
