# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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