You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
