Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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