I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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