i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
