If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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