i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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