The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
