My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
